Of all the things I return to do…
5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most?
Changing the bandages. When I don’t necessarily want the pain, but get it anyway.
6. What about it do you enjoy?
I enjoyed… the blood. I really, really liked to watch it stream down my arms in thick, red lines.
7. list 10 activities that help you calm down.
1. Sleep 2. Talk to my girlfriend 3. Cut 4. repeat #s 1-3
8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?
Ahhh I’m not sure…Probably…from my girlfriend…that she still loves me and in the end thinks I’m stronger for it.
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.
Yes, I have. I had a creepy fascination with them. I still do, to be honest. And sometimes I’d show them to my friend (currently girlfriend) because (one time) I was worried a cut was infected…after that …in a way they were to show her I wasn’t lying, and in another…I feel bad saying this, but…they were to get her attention. She was the only person who knew I self harmed for over 7 months, and to know that someone cared…meant an unfathomable amount to me.
10. How do you feel about your scars?
I…have very mixed emotions. On one level I hate them, wish they’d go away, wish I could walk outside with my sleeves rolled up and shorts that didn’t have to hang to my knees. On the other hand…I have this warped sense of pride. Like, yeah, I am depressed, yeah I have the scars, but I made it. I’m alive.
11. Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?
I self harmed fairly regularly in the school bathrooms, but…oh, one time I self harmed in my car on the side of the road and had to drive home with a bleeding arm at 1 AM.
12. Where do you keep your ‘tools’? (Your room, in a box, disposed of them?)
At first…In a desk draw in a box. Then I switched rooms and …various places. I hid some in my backpack, some in my desk, some in books…my main stash I hid in my shirt drawer, although in hindsight that was a very poor decision on my part. (especially seeing as it’s what got me caught.)
13. What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had?
It’s…a lot more common than I would’ve thought. It’s also very misunderstood.
14. Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?
My beautiful girlfriend. She used to cut, but now…has been nothing but supportive of me.
15. Do you visit any websites about self harm? If so, what are they?
Uhhhh nothing anymore. I used to look at tumblr pics a lot but now…not really.
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm?
Stay strong. It does get better. Everyone says it and it’s cliche as fuck, but it’s because it’s true.
17. Do you know anyone else who injures themselves?
Several people, yes.
18. Write a letter to the future (recovered) you.
Dear Self,
are you telling people you’ve recovered yet? About your self harm? Do you have those tattoos you want so badly yet? How old are you right now? How long did it take, to be able to wake up every single day and never have a day where you couldn’t get out of bed…? I so look forward to being you. I want to be better, for myself, for Shantell. I want to get over this. I want to be happy. I’m tired of thinking about dying, contemplating suicide. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. I’m burned out. But I keep going…I don’t know how I keep going when I have nothing left to give. Maybe it’s love. They say it can do some pretty damn amazing things…and if that’s the case, I blame Shantell for most of my recovery. I started down the path of recovery because of her. Without that girl…I don’t know. I’d be dead, maybe….but I’m not. I’m alive, and now I’m…I’m..whatever I’m doing, I guess. Hopefully helping out with TWLOHA somehow. Hopefully I’m happy. With my girl, happy, and living my life. I hope.
19. List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it.
1. You get to see your future
2.It’s so wonderful to wake up every day without this lead ball of self hatred lodged in your stomach
3. Keeping the secret tears you apart
4. The scars are so hard to explain
5.Having support gives you hope.
20. What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm.
There are a number of vivid memories. One where I was sitting in my car at a nearby park, fearing that I was going to die (I couldn’t get the blood to stop) and still not telling anyone or calling for help. There’s another when I got home at 1 AM and my friend (current girlfriend) woke up and calmed me down. I was such a mess…there are quite a few times I wanted to cut and she calmed me down before or after that stick out in my mind, really. There are also the ones where I sat back and watched the blood stream down my arm or leg…
21. Have you tried to stop in the past? What are you doing differently this time?
I’ve….I… it’s really quite difficult for me to say. I don’t know if I’ve ever actively tried to stop, I mean, quit cold turkey. I’ve slowed down gradually…I go for a month or even longer without self harming now…but…I don’t know. I guess the pressure is easing up a little. And I’m medicated. And I have support from friends and family.
22. Where do you feel the most calm?
Talking to my girl. Knowing that she loves me no matter what, self harm or not. That she’s proud of me for going so long without cutting. So I guess…just lying in bed, talking to her.
23. What is your favorite inspirational quote?
Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter. (well…not my most inspirational, but it’s the only one I can think of on hand.)
24. What are some of your main triggers? Why?
Pressure. Pressure to be more than I can be. Failure to meet my own expectations of myself (which are/were unreasonably high) Feeling like I’m letting someone down.
25. Do you know any statistics about self harm?
Just some odds and ends from TWLOHA. Like the LGBT are more likely to self harm, as are teenaged girls, and some…80k people in the US are depressed and 3/4 never seek treatment.
26. What is something that makes you the most happy?
My girlfriend. Talking to her. Hearing her voice. Seeing her smile.
27. Discuss any and all progress you have made.
Uhhh I don’t…I …I still carry razors around with me. (I don’t think my girlfriend knows that, but she hasn’t asked and I haven’t said anything…) but I don’t cut every day, and I don’t carry as many razors or as much first aid around with me.
I guess that’s progress?
28. What short-term goals do you have?
I honestly just try to get through each day individually…
(long term I’d like to be able to tell people about my self harming and how I’ve overcome it…but I haven’t completely overcome it…and I’m still very shy about sharing that with people, so I stay quiet.)
29. Do you follow any self-harm blogs?
Yes, I do.
30. List 5 things that you love about yourself.
1. Being able to make the most beautiful and amazing girl in the entire world happy.
2. That I can be open minded and nonjudgmental towards people.
3. My love for reading
4. Being a nerd
5. Art.
